A Few Words with Col. Ashland Quell - Archaeology Magazine Archive


A Few Words with Col. Ashland Quell	April Fool's Day 2008

Few careers in the annals of archaeology match that of the reclusive explorer and relic hunter Col. Ashland Quell, at least if you accept his word on it. ARCHAEOLOGY caught up with the colonel at his secluded estate in the teak plantation region of Siam for a rare--and all too brief--interview. The outspoken former officer of the Royal Howdah Corps shared his opinions on many subjects, some archaeological (we edited out the other stuff).

How or when did you decide to become an archaeologist?
I needed cover whilst working for His Majesty's Secret Service on Borneo during the Great War. Afterward I just kept doing it--doesn't require any schooling, really.

After 85 years in the field, does anything still surprise you?
Why yes, the number of great discoveries I make each and every year surprises even me.

The editors of ARCHAEOLOGY recently published their list of the top ten discoveries of 2007. What did they miss?
Oh, I don't know. Never read it myself. Did they include my discovery of that lost Roman legion in Sichuan? Incredible find, that. An entire colony of 'em still speaking Latin-Mandarin creole.

Do you have any advice for Samir Osmanagic, discoverer of the Bosnian Pyramids?
Keep looking, old bean, but maybe stop digging. You might damage something important.

Yes, when it comes to faith-based archaeology, what do you say to proponents of "Intelligent Design"?
Piffle.

Do you have any insights about the controversy over the "Hobbit" (the supposed diminutive hominid from Flores)?
There's no controversy, my good man. Why, three of the little chaps work for me--they make great ratters, but they're a bit surly at times. They're on holiday now, so you won't be able to have a chat with them. Pity.

You've also recently claimed to have found evidence for another controversial hominid.
Yes, Bigfoot. Interesting case, what, what. The fossilized droppings I found near Vancouver while attending the SAA meetings there speak for themselves. Can't fake droppings, don't you know?

Smithsonian researcher Jane Walsh claims in the upcoming issue of ARCHAEOLOGY that all of the crystal skulls are fakes.
That's because she doesn't have the real one. I do. Found it in Borneo. Snatched it from under the noses of the Kaiser's agents, actually.

You have famously written that you turned down a McArthur "genius" grant, yet we contacted the foundation and they have no record of this.
Don't be daft--they're the last people who would admit being turned down by me. And besides, even if you do accept all it means is that journalists, for lack any creativity, will label you as "a recipient of a McArthur 'genius' grant" until the ink on your obituary is dry.

Speaking of your obituary, do you see any bright young scholars on the horizon who might one day fill your shoes?
Why, yes, Josh Bernstein comes to mind [falls out of chair laughing at his own joke]. No, in all seriousness, I am irreplaceable.